Do you love your wife?

yes right prove it

like what's the metric give me the
number that helps me know right cuz when
you met her you didn't love her right
now you love her right tell me the day
the love happened it's an impossible
question right but it's not that it
doesn't exist it's that it's much easier
to prove over time right
so all leadership is the same thing it's
about transitions so if you were to if
you were to go to the gym right sit like
exercise right if you go to the gym and
you work out and you come back and you
look in the mirror you will see nothing
and if you go to the gym the next day
and you come back and you look in the
mirror you will see nothing right so
clearly there's no results can't be
measured it must not be effective so we
quit right or if you fundamentally
believe that this is the right course of
action and you stick with it like in a
relationship I bought her flowers and I
wished her happy birthday and she
doesn't let me clearly I'll give up you
know that's not what happens if you if
you believe there's something there you
commit yourself to act an act of service
you commit yourself to the regime the
exercise you can't screw it up you can
eat chocolate cake one day you can skip
a skip a day or two you know you lose
for that but if you stick with it
consistently I'm not exactly sure what
day but I know you'll start getting into
shape I know it and the same with the
relationship it's not about the events
it's not about intensity it's about
consistency right you go to the dentist
twice a year your teeth will fall out
you have to brush your teeth every day
for two minutes what is brushing your
day twice a day for two minutes do
nothing unless you do it every day twice
a day for two minutes right it's the
consistency going to the gym for nine
hours does not get you into shape
working out every day for 20 minutes
gets you into shape so the problem is we
treat leadership with intensity we have
a two-day off-site we would invite a
bunch of speakers we give everybody
certificate you're a leader right
those things are like going to the
dentist they're very important that good
for reminding us or getting us back on
track learning new lessons but it's the
daily practice of all the monotonous
little boring things like brushing your
teeth that matter the most she didn't
fall in love with you because you
remembered her birthday and bought her
flowers in Valentine's Day she fell in
love with you because when you woke up
in the morning you said good morning to
her before you checked your phone she
fell in love with you because when you
went to the fridge to get yourself a
drink you got her one without even
asking she fell in love with you because
when you had an amazing day at work and
she came home and she had a terrible day
at work you didn't say yeah yeah yeah
but let me tell you about my day you sat
and listened to her awful day and you
didn't say a thing about your amazing
day this is why she fell in love with
you I can't tell you exactly what day
and it was no specular thing you did
there was the accumulation of all of
those little things that she woke up one
days and it's as if she pressed a button
she goes I love him right leadership is
exactly the same there's no event
there's no thing I can tell you you have
to do that your people will trust you it
just doesn't work that way
it's linic it's an accumulation of lots
and lots of little things that anyone by
themselves is innocuous and useless
literally pointless by themselves people
will look at little things that are good
leadership practice and say that won't
work and you're absolutely right
but if you do it consistently and you do
it in combination with lots of other
little things like saying good morning
to someone that looking in the eye my
friend George it was a three-star
general in the Marine Corps he says his
test for leadership and I love this he
goes his tests really a good leaders if
you ask somebody how their day is going
you actually care about the answer right
the number of times were walking to a
meeting we're rushing we go how are you
not good I gotta get to you later I got
him late for a meeting if you ask the
question you were standing there and
you're listening to the answer it's
those little innocuous things that you
do over and over and over and over that
people will say I love my job
not I like my job I like my job means
yeah the challenge is great they pay me
well I like the people I love my job
means I don't want to work anywhere else
I don't care how much somebody else will
is willing to pay me
I'm devoted to the people here and I
care desperately about the people here
as if they were my family in business we
have colleagues and co-workers in the
military they have brothers and sisters
that's how they think of each other
right if you really have a strong
corporate culture the people will think
of each other like brothers and sisters
don't really it's like a family right no
brothers and sisters deep love fight but
the love doesn't go away right bicker
the love doesn't go away can I'll fight
with my sister but if you threaten my
sister you're gonna have to deal with me
right right we'll fight internally we'll
bicker with each other but nobody's
gonna hurt each other and if anything
from the outside shows up you got it
you're looking at a unified front
brothers and sisters now how do you
create brothers and sisters out of
strangers common beliefs common values
you know parents in other words
executives who care about their
children's success who care to raise
their children teach them skills
discipline them when necessary help them
build their self-confidence so that they
couldn't go on and achieve something
more than you could have ever imagined
achieving for yourself that's leadership
an absolute love and devotion for the
people who've committed their lives to
this enterprise it's a human it's a
human thing so just as you know how your
body feels after a good workout you know
how your body feels after a big greasy
meal you know you know that one is good
for you and one is not you know despite
what it may taste like and that's the
problem with short-term gains right they
feel really good in the short term so
it's we're highly highly highly trained
social animals we're highly adapted
social animals you know we can feel
social awkwardness and we can feel when
things are going well you know you can
sense it you say you have this sense of
laughter you know around the office like
we're not we're not we don't walk on
with blinders when you know we're like I
said we're made to do this and that's
why we can assess and somebody's
trustworthy or not you know puts why we
keep our walls and
yeah yeah his results are great but I
wouldn't trust him right you know as
opposed to letting on you but like I
trusted for it anything I trust with my
kids my money anything you know so so
we're highly attuned animals and so
we're good at sensing it but I will say
there is a caveat to to Europe to your
metric of laughter which is a decent one
is that scale breaks things right in
human beings is that before we're not
made for populations bigger than about
150 ish it's called Dunbar's number
Robin Dunbar professor from Cambridge
University theorized that we cannot
maintain more than 100 and about about
150 close relationships and the way he
defined the close relationship is if
you're at a bar with a bunch of friends
and somebody comes in would you ask that
person to join you or not and we could
it's about a hundred and fifty that we
wouldn't ask them to come join us and if
you think about the reason that actually
makes perfect sense which is there's two
limiting factors one is time if you only
gave two minutes to every person you
know you'd make no close friends and the
other one is memory you just can't
remember everybody and so this is where
leadership leadership becomes very very
interesting because if you have a
company that has a lot of people five
six seven eight hundred people a
thousand two thousand five thousand
people clearly you can't know everyone
and clearly as a CEO look I care about
every single of my people you don't even
know some of the people you work for a
real but we work for your bastards you
don't care about them so the nuns it's a
nonsense statement right right but what
you can say is I desperately care about
the people whose names I know and whose
faces I recognize and I care desperately
about my leadership and I instill in
them every day that I will give them the
tools and I will take care of them with
one purpose of one purpose only that
they will take care of the people in
their charge and I want those people to
take care of the people and instill in
them that they take care of the people
in their charge and then by the time you
get down to the masses where the actual
thousand exists because of the seniors
it's like 20 sure right where the real
thousand exist they feel about a hundred
and a hundred and fifty of them can look
to one of their direct leaders to one of
their direct managers and say that
person cares about me
that's our boss that's my boss that's my
leader not the leader it's the CEO
that's my manager my boss my leader
sometimes sometimes you get fired
sometimes you get in trouble sometimes
you'll lose your job and the next guy
will get all the credit it's all true
and the courage to do the right thing in
the face of overwhelming pressure only
the best leaders have that courage only
the best leaders and here's the folly
courage is not some deep internal
fortitude you don't dig down deep and
find the courage right it just doesn't
exist
courage is external our courage comes
from the support we feel from others in
other words when someone when you feel
that someone has your back when you you
know that the day that you admit you
can't do it someone will be there and
say I got you you can do this that's
what gives you the courage to do the
difficult thing it's not going off to an
ashram by yourself somewhere for four
weeks and coming back and finding the
car it's not what happens it's the
relationships that we foster it's the
people around us who love us and care
about us and believe in us and when we
have those relationships we will find
the courage to do the right thing and
when you act with courage that in turn
will inspire those in your organization
to also act with courage in other words
it's still an external thing that's what
inspiration is right I'm inspired to
follow your example
but those relationships that we foster
over the course of a lifetime will not
only make us into the leaders we need to
be and hope we can be but they'll often
save your life they'll save you from
depression they'll save you from giving
up they'll save you from any matter of
you know negative feelings about your
own capabilities your own future when
someone just says I love you
[Music]
you

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